Trailer Checklist: Jupiter Ascending. All hail to the, erm, space elves, or something.

The Wachowskis, they of The Matrix films are back after the thoroughly confusing Cloud Atlas. This one looks a bit simpler.

Let’s check a few things off. In a checklist.

  1. “Yer the perfect ‘untin’ machine,” says Sean Bean.

  2. Channing Tatum (complete with pointy ears) has been searching for one thing his whole life. Mila Kunis, apparently. You’ve got to admire his dedication to get laid. Or is he just an alien stalker? Or does Mila Kunis have some MYSTERIOUS SECRET?

  3. Some old doctor and a nurse are trying to kill Mila. Tatum shows up in the nick of time and kills them instead by going “pew-pew-pew-pew-pew” with his SPACE GUN.

  4. Tatum says, “It can be difficult for people from under developed worlds to find out that Channing Tatum comes from a planet that is superior in every way. Most people react with disbelief.”

  5. Sean Bean talks to Mila about the battles he’s fought in, alongside Channing Tatum. The big question is, how has Sean Bean survived this long? And will he survive until the end of the movie? Probably not.

  6. “Your Earth is a very small part of a very large industry,” says some SPACE WOMAN. But what is the industry? Intergalactic fashion design? Shiny spaceships? Making films where things aren’t what they seem? Like The Matrix? I’m sure that Sean Bean will be along shortly with twenty minutes of exposition to clear things up. Or not. Depends whether he’s still alive, I suppose.

  7. Mila Kunis is falling off a skyscraper!! Look at those arms go!

  8. Okay, what’s up with that guy’s voice? Too many SPACE CIGARETTES, by the sound of things.

  9. Mila Kunis (we now know that she is called JUPITER) is falling off a skyscraper again. Honestly, how clumsy is this girl? They should rename the film Jupiter Descending.

  10. Still, looks like we might be getting some more bullet time from the Wachowskis, which is fair enough. They pioneered it whilst every other lazy, hack director copied it. Of course, they’ll have to take it to the next level. SPACE BULLET TIME! I think I peed myself a little.


  1. Nick Powell says:

    Great checklist! Much fun time. Good awesomeness. pew pew space machines wow wow zoom zoom!

  2. theipc says:

    One of my favorite sites delivers another one of my favorite posts!!

    PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW indeed!!

    What’s up with those pointy ears

  3. CMrok93 says:

    This one looks like it’s going to be a bomb. One that Channing Tatum can’t afford right now.

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