Trailer Checklist: Jupiter Ascending. All hail to the, erm, space elves, or something.

The Wachow­skis, they of The Mat­rix films are back after the thor­oughly con­fus­ing Cloud Atlas. This one looks a bit simpler.

Let’s check a few things off. In a checklist.

  1. Yer the per­fect ‘untin’ machine,” says Sean Bean.

  2. Chan­ning Tatum (com­plete with pointy ears) has been search­ing for one thing his whole life. Mila Kunis, appar­ently. You’ve got to admire his ded­ic­a­tion to get laid. Or is he just an alien stalker? Or does Mila Kunis have some MYSTERIOUS SECRET?

  3. Some old doc­tor and a nurse are try­ing to kill Mila. Tatum shows up in the nick of time and kills them instead by going “pew-pew-pew-pew-pew” with his SPACE GUN.

  4. Tatum says, “It can be dif­fi­cult for people from under developed worlds to find out that Chan­ning Tatum comes from a planet that is super­ior in every way. Most people react with disbelief.”

  5. Sean Bean talks to Mila about the battles he’s fought in, along­side Chan­ning Tatum. The big ques­tion is, how has Sean Bean sur­vived this long? And will he sur­vive until the end of the movie? Prob­ably not.

  6. Your Earth is a very small part of a very large industry,” says some SPACE WOMAN. But what is the industry? Inter­galactic fash­ion design? Shiny space­ships? Mak­ing films where things aren’t what they seem? Like The Mat­rix? I’m sure that Sean Bean will be along shortly with twenty minutes of expos­i­tion to clear things up. Or not. Depends whether he’s still alive, I suppose.

  7. Mila Kunis is fall­ing off a sky­scraper!! Look at those arms go!

  8. Okay, what’s up with that guy’s voice? Too many SPACE CIGARETTES, by the sound of things.

  9. Mila Kunis (we now know that she is called JUPITER) is fall­ing off a sky­scraper again. Hon­estly, how clumsy is this girl? They should rename the film Jupiter Des­cend­ing.

  10. Still, looks like we might be get­ting some more bul­let time from the Wachow­skis, which is fair enough. They pion­eered it whilst every other lazy, hack dir­ector copied it. Of course, they’ll have to take it to the next level. SPACE BULLET TIME! I think I peed myself a little.


  1. Nick Powell says:

    Great check­list! Much fun time. Good awe­some­ness. pew pew space machines wow wow zoom zoom!

  2. theipc says:

    One of my favor­ite sites deliv­ers another one of my favor­ite posts!!

    PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW indeed!!

    What’s up with those pointy ears

  3. CMrok93 says:

    This one looks like it’s going to be a bomb. One that Chan­ning Tatum can’t afford right now.

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