A Good Day To Die Hard review

Banana Rating: 1 out of 5

Alfred Hitch­cock once said, “Always make the audi­ence suf­fer as much as pos­sible.” I don’t know whether John Moore read that quote before shoot­ing A Good Day To Die Hard, but if he did… well done. You made me suf­fer. But not in the obvi­ously good way Hitch­cock was refer­ring to.

Hitch­cock also said, “The length of a film should be dir­ectly related to the endur­ance of the human blad­der.” I can say with con­fid­ence that the length of A Good Day To Die Hard is dir­ectly related to my desire to start bash­ing my own brains in with a brick, until I’m a drool­ing veget­able, suck­ing liquid­ized roast din­ner through a straw, and shit­ting in a bag, in a dis­ease rid­den hos­pital bed.

I can barely write this review for more than a minute at a time without need­ing to sleep for half an hour, and have my one remain­ing brain cell jump star­ted by the exposed ends of two live wires applied dir­ectly to my forehead.

So, using that as a guideline, I can say that A Good Day To Die Hard at one hour and thirty-eight minutes long, is one hour and thirty-seven minutes and fifty-nine seconds too long.

As soon as I heard they were mak­ing the film, 1% of me thought, “Hey, it might be good!” But 99% of me was already down the local DIY store, test­ing the weight of bricks in my hand, and their poten­tial for smash­ing my skull in.

Thanks, John Moore. No, ser­i­ously. THANKS. 

I guess the ulti­mate ques­tion, which I shall try to answer at the end of this review, is…

WHEN IS IT A GOOD DAY TO WATCH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD?

The trouble I have with the film is that it doesn’t feel like a Die Hard film. It’s not sur­pris­ing really. The Die Hard for­mula was already being pushed to its lim­its with its first and second sequels, let alone the third sequel. There’s only so much shit can hap­pen to the same guy twice three four five times, which is why A Good Day To Die Hard is so hard to stom­ach. It’s a series that really should have ended with the third film.

And it did. For a long while. With everything tied up neatly, and Jeremy Irons’s Simon Gruber, brother of Hans Gruber, being a nice call­back to the first film. That Die Hard With A Ven­geance was ori­gin­ally not a Die Hard film, but a thriller called Simon Says should also have been a warn­ing. It was a series that had reached the end of its nat­ural life.

Bruce Willis Quiz

A new drinks cabinet...

But maybe some pro­du­cer in Hol­ly­wood needed a new drinks cab­inet, or a robot but­ler, and the sorry fran­chise spluttered back into life. From Die Hard 4.0 (or Live Free or Die Hard, as it’s also known) onwards, the series has star­ted to turn John McClane from a cop with huge determ­in­a­tion and ded­ic­a­tion, but very human lim­its, into some sort of CGI super­hero, cap­able of fall­ing great heights through mul­tiple floors of a build­ing into irra­di­ated water and sur­viv­ing with barely a scratch. His duty to pro­tect inno­cent cit­izens also seems to have been thrown out the win­dow. It’s like he doesn’t give a shit any more. Pretty much like Bruce Wil­lis himself.

Which brings me back to the ques­tion I posed earlier…

WHEN IS IT A GOOD DAY TO WATCH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD?

ANSWER: Never. It will always be a bad day to watch A Good Day To Die Hard. I felt shitty after I watched it. I hope that Hol­ly­wood pro­du­cer is happy with his fuck­ing robot butler.