Drive Angry review

Banana Rating: 3 out of 5

Come with me on a jour­ney. A jour­ney into the future, in which I tell you of the fall of cinema, and of civil­isa­tion itself. It is the year 2053. The likes of Cine­world, Odeon, and other cinema chains are in ruins. Their bricks and mor­tar lay smashed on the road, clogged with weeds and moss. Insects buzz lazily amongst the wreck­age. The sun beats down, hard and hot.

A young boy, dressed in rags, runs into one such aban­doned cinema. Through the holes in the roof, he can see the grey green clouds drift­ing over­head. It is a for­bid­den place, untouched for dec­ades, full of questions.

The boy’s father calls for him, warns him of the dangers. The boy ignores him, scur­ry­ing across cracked floors, and over rot­ting coun­ters, withered pop­corn crunch­ing underfoot.

The boy stops. There is a skel­eton sit­ting upright against a wall. Shreds of tattered cloth­ing hang from its weathered bones. Between spindly fin­gers, it is clutch­ing a faded movie ticket. The boy peers closer, read­ing the words on it…

Drive Angry.

Sud­denly he feels his father behind him, and jumps with a start. His father’s face is grim.

"What is this place, father?" enquires the boy with wide eyes.

His father places a com­fort­ing hand on his son's shoulder, and motions him to sit down. He's per­haps of an age where he should know the truth. Or at least, a ver­sion of it. Sit­ting down him­self, the father clears his throat, and begins his tale…

Nicolas Cage Wars 2021

"This was a place where movies could be enjoyed in the early part of the twenty first cen­tury, before the Nic­olas Cage Wars of 2021. Many talk of what triggered the wars, and many believed events were set in motion in the year 2011.

"You see, dis­aster struck in Hol­ly­wood. A strange, unex­plain­able virus infec­ted Los Angeles, a con­ta­gion that tar­geted only Hol­ly­wood stars.

"Even worse, rising stars, as soon as they had a hit film, fell vic­tim to the deadly virus. How­ever, one man was immune to it’s destruct­ive power. That man was Nic­olas Cage. Nobody knows why. Per­haps he pos­sessed enough innate cha­risma, enough star power to suc­cess­fully stop the virus in its tracks.

"And so sci­ent­ists ran tests, as sci­ent­ists often do, but they couldn’t learn the secret of Nic­olas Cage's immunity in time."

The boy looks up at his father, and says, "In time? What happened?"

"Under­stand that this was all very secret," con­tin­ues the boy’s father. "As Hol­ly­wood stars dropped like flies, the industry went to great lengths to hide the fact, using huge num­bers of lookalikes. But then they star­ted dying too.

"Even worse, the virus was spread­ing at an incred­ible rate, cross­ing the pond to Europe. Now even their stars were a resource that could not be tapped into. The virus was begin­ning to adapt.

"As more and more of the act­ing fra­tern­ity began to die out in 2011 and bey­ond, they increas­ingly turned to the one actor who stood tall, Nic­olas Cage. He, and only he, could keep the magic of movies alive. And thus, he began to work harder than ever.

They cloned Nicolas Cage!

"One by one, the Nic­olas Cage movies kept on com­ing. First, one a month. Then, two a month. Then, one a week. But soon, it became appar­ent that Nic­olas Cage, the last sur­viv­ing actor on the planet, was only one man. Not even one so awe­some as he had the strength to star in every movie ever made.

"So sci­ence stepped in, des­per­ate, per­haps look­ing for abso­lu­tion after their fail­ure to stop the virus."

"What did they do?" asks the boy.

His father con­tin­ues, "They cloned Nic­olas Cage! Soon an army of Nic­olas Cages were work­ing around the clock, and the movies increased apace. Mil­lions of per­fect cop­ies of Cage, star­ring in thou­sands upon thou­sands of movies. Day after day, week after week, year upon year.

"But alas, the Nic­olas Cages became rest­less, angry at being forced to act in award win­ning dra­mas, fol­lowed by a couple of shit movies, and then another award win­ning drama, fol­lowed by even more shit movies.

"And so it was that they star­ted a long, and ter­rible war against the rest of the human race. The Nic­olas Cage Army (NCA) was far too power­ful, far too styl­ish. Long mul­let hair­styles, swish­ing in slow motion, as an NCA sol­dier dodged incom­ing bul­lets with a grace­ful turn, before shoot­ing the enemy with a cas­ual back­han­ded flick of an auto­matic pis­tol, proved too much for the rest of humanity.

Mullet hair swishing in the breeze

"In 2026, after five long bloody years, the war came to an end, and the NCA stood vic­tori­ous. But the planet was in ruins, battered into sub­mis­sion. The Earth was renamed Cage­world, and the NCA dis­ban­ded, left to wander the waste­land, their num­bers dwind­ling until… until…

"Well, here we are. It's just us now, son."

The boy turns, his mul­let hair swish­ing in the breeze, and he says, "That’s a great story, dad! But," wav­ing his hand at the Drive Angry movie ticket, "what was Drive Angry like? Any good?”

"Yeah, not bad. Cage (V1.0) was a bit sub­dued. Amber Heard had nice legs, and Will Ficht­ner was prob­ably the best thing in it. It was pretty violent."

The boy looked thought­ful for a moment, and said, “Great review, dad!”