Mega Piranha review


Mega Piranha is ninety-two minutes long. That’s ninety-two minutes of sweet, pre­cious life down the crapper.

It’s the second movie in what is uncom­monly known as The Faded Eighties Pop Icon Mega Creature Fea­ture Tri­logy. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is the first one, and Mega Python vs Gat­or­oid is the third.

There is a fourth, Mega Shark vs Cro­cosaurus, but that stars neither Debbie Gib­son or Tiffany, so remains an errant blob of shit, blas­ted off the rim of the mega creature turd bucket.

The plot, then. Tiffany is part of an out­reach pro­gram designed to help down-on-their-luck pop stars from the eighties gain a foothold in the highly com­pet­it­ive arena of piranha research. Spe­cific­ally, the need to exper­i­ment on them so that they grow freakin’ massive for no clear reason.

(Per­son­ally, I’m not a fan of such out­reach pro­grams. They tried it once before in the sev­en­ties, and a giant moth cre­ated by Kool and the Gangended up des­troy­ing the coast­line along New Jer­sey, to the beat of a throb­bing disco soundtrack.)

Enter stage left, Paul Logan as Spe­cial Agent Fitch. He’s in town to clean up the mess made by Tiffany before it gets out of control.

I’ve not fol­lowed Paul Logan’s career all that closely, but I have to say, he immerses him­self in the role: dis­tant, hard to read, dead eyed. All you would expect of a tough gov­ern­ment oper­at­ive who has seen too much, maybe punched too many walls, and has shut down, remov­ing all empathy and emo­tion from his personality.

It’s a tour de force. Of shit acting.

His face becomes more anim­ated when under attack from CGI piran­has. But hon­estly? I think that’s just because they paid a guy to stand off­screen and peri­od­ic­ally jab Logan’s spine with a cattle prod.

As for Tiffany, she seems more afraid of her next line than any piranha, so much so that I think the guy with the cattle prod actu­ally had a gun in his other hand, and would press the muzzle to his fore­head — mock exe­cu­tion style — should she stumble over her dialogue.

How­ever, it would be unfair to single her out, as every­one here acts like they’re in a porn movie, filling in time before the rumpy pumpy. Can you ima­gine watch­ing a badly acted porn movie without any actual porn? That’s Mega Piranha in a nutshell.

It’s a tough film to watch, and can­not be viewed in the con­ven­tional way that other movies are. It can only be seen in what I call…

The Seven Stages of Mega Piranha

  1. INNOCENCE: You sit down to watch Mega Piranha. This seems like it might be a fun movie. It has Tiffany in it. And piranhas.
  2. BETRAYAL: After ten minutes you real­ise Mega Piranha is a huge stink­ing turd of a movie. You should have known bet­ter. But you were inno­cent. Now that inno­cence has been crushed.
  3. DESPAIR: You sol­dier on, but it’s tough. The movie seems to be get­ting worse. How can this be? You’ve just seen a guy repel fifty piran­has by bicycle kick­ing them back into the river. It sounds much bet­ter on paper.
  4. DENIAL: You now refuse to believe that the film really is this bad. You try switch­ing your brain off, punch­ing your­self in the face, stick­ing pins under­neath your fin­ger­nails, any­thing to increase the rel­at­ive enjoy­ment of this huge stink­ing turd of a movie.
  5. ANGER: That’s it! You’ve had enough! You can’t watch any more! You won’t watch any more! Fuck this movie! You turn off the TV and walk away.
  6. REBIRTH: Weeks pass. You’ve recon­nec­ted with the world, made new friends, climbed a moun­tain for char­ity. You’re look­ing tanned, healthy, at ease. You’ve star­ted to learn a new lan­guage, and taken up pot­tery classes. People com­ment on how you seem to be a much more pos­it­ive individual.
  7. INNOCENCE: One day, you notice that Mega Piranha is still where you left it in the DVD player. Feel­ing good about your­self, about the world, fatally lulled into a false sense of secur­ity, you decide to pick up on the film where you left off.

RETURN TO STAGE 1. Repeat all stages until you have fin­ished watch­ing Mega Piranha. If the movie ends any­where dur­ing stages 2 to 5, pro­ceed dir­ectly to the BONUS STAGE.

  • BONUS STAGE: Just pop a Mega Piranha DVD in a jiffy bag, along with one of your turds (the big­ger the bet­ter), and post it to the cre­at­ors of this movie. Altern­at­ively, just post a turd, if you don’t want to waste money on the film. You might as well have a wee in there as well.

You won’t get those ninety-two minutes of life back, but the dir­ector of this movie will receive a turd (with some wee wee on it) in the post. I call that a result.