Predators review

Banana Rating: 2 out of 5

Film through the years is littered with quot­able lines, not least the ori­ginal Pred­ator. “Get to da choppa!” and “Jeez! You got a big pussy!” are just two examples of Hol­ly­wood script writ­ing at it’s abso­lute best.

Aside from that, it’s one of the few films where Arnie is upstaged, almost. And by a seven foot guy in a rub­ber suit. One of the most iconic designs in cinema his­tory, the Pred­ator has unfor­tu­nately been releg­ated to star­ring in a string of shit movies with it’s closest rival, H.R. Giger’s Alien.

So with Pred­at­ors, the first proper sequel since Pred­ator 2 (released a massive TWENTY years ago, back when Danny Glover was just start­ing to get too old for this shit) I rather fan­cied that this would actu­ally be some good. That it might wash away some of that cyn­icism that courses through my veins like toxic waste.

Well, aren’t I the silly sod? It’s not even as good as Pred­ator 2, let alone Pred­ator, the film it bor­rows from most heav­ily. We’re back to a jungle set­ting, which our prot­ag­on­ists — a mot­ley crew of rogues and con­victs plucked from their homes (or prison) by a Pred­ator space­ship — are dropped into at the film’s begin­ning. One slight dif­fer­ence. This is no Earth jungle, but another planet alto­gether, set aside as a game reserve, a week­end safari for the alien bad guys.

The char­ac­ters are hard to empath­ise with. They’re mostly just a set of wank­ers look­ing out for num­ber one. The camaraderie of the first film (and the second film) is com­pletely absent. I met each death with a shrug of indif­fer­ence. Chief among the wank­ers is Adrien Brody, freshly pumped from the gym, and try­ing des­per­ately to invoke the power of Arnie.

He seems an odd choice for an action heavy role. I doubt any­one, after watch­ing The Pian­ist, could have fore­seen him being the lead in a Pred­ator movie. How­ever, cast­ing an actor against type in this way is some­times a mas­ter­stroke. For example, prior to The Rock and Con-Air, who hon­estly thought of Nic­olas Cage as being able to head­line an action movie? And yet it worked. Prob­ably because of Cage’s lar­ger than life, the­at­rical act­ing style.

Unfor­tu­nately, Adrien Brody comes across as pretty dull. He also adopts a rather odd raspy voice, styled after Chris­tian Bale’s Bat­man. His per­form­ance quickly becomes irrit­at­ing, and his char­ac­ter remains unlikable for most of the story. That is, until the script calls for us to cheer him on in a battle to the death with a Pred­ator. Too little, too late. I actu­ally wanted the Pred­ator to win. Some­thing that can’t be said for the first two films.

Pred­at­ors was inten­ded to wipe away the poo stain of the two Alien vs Pred­atorfilms, get­ting the ugly mother­fucker back on track as the star of his own movies. Not too hard of a task I would’ve thought. And the pro­du­cer, Robert Rodrig­uez, even said at one point that Pred­at­ors would be to Pred­ator, what Ali­ens was to Alien.

That’s some boast. Sadly, it ends up being an empty one.